Dating in the swipe-left era is hard for anyone who isn’t a bot, but for singles who grew up in the pre-internet era, when “going steady” was still a thing and an app was what you ate before the entree, the challenges are compounded. While the new technology can be intimidating, there are also a host of emotional and practical considerations that come with age and have to be factored into any new potential romance, from kids and careers to lifestyle preferences.
“The Later Daters,” arriving Nov. 29 on Netflix, is a docuseries that focuses on the growing cohort of singles over age 55, following six men and women as they go on a series of blind dates and attempt to find love again. As they navigate these choppy new waters, they receive guidance not only from friends and family who know them best but also from Logan Ury, a Harvard-trained behavioral scientist and dating coach who takes a data-driven approach to finding love. She meets with each client and their family at home, helps them identify patterns in their relationships and gives them assignments (e.g. “share something that makes you feel vulnerable”) before each date.
“It’s very action-oriented, focused on here’s where you are now, here’s where you want to go. I’m going to help you get there,” said Ury, author of the book “How to Not Die Alone: The Surprising Science That Will Help You Find Love.”
Executive produced by former First Lady Michelle Obama, “The Later Daters” is not the first reality show to feature dynamic older people searching for romance and defying stereotypes about their age group. “The Golden Bachelor” became a pop culture sensation when it premiered last fall, only to disappoint fans when it resulted in the shortest marriage in the history of “The Bachelor” franchise. (Its spinoff, “The Golden Bachelorette,” premiered this fall and concluded recently.) But unlike that ABC series, “The Later Daters” emphasizes self-improvement rather than competition.
Most of Ury’s work before “The Later Daters” was with Gen Z and millennial singles, but she found that the lessons were applicable to older generations.
The questions she encourages her younger clients to think about — “Who are you? How are you showing up on dates? How can we shift your behavior so that you get different outcomes?” — also applied to the participants on the show. “We’re born knowing how to love, but we’re not born knowing how to date, and you don’t just wake up one day magically at 50 or 60 and become a great date,” she said.
Dating later in life has complications, but there are also unexpected plus sides, said Ury.
“You have a stronger sense of self. When you’re dating in your 20s, you’re still figuring out who you are. There’s also less pressure to marry and less pressure for timing on fertility,” she said.
There’s also surprising research showing that for older single people, sex can be more fulfilling. “They know their body better. They’re more capable of asking for what they want,” Ury said.
This is certainly reflected in “The Later Daters,” which “shows the full color experience of dating after 55, and it’s a lot sexier than people think,” Ury said.
Anise Mastin, 63, is one of the vibrant singles featured in the series. A marketing executive and mother of three, she was intrigued by the opportunity to work with a dating coach with impressive credentials. “I felt like, if I have any blind spots, she could tell me about them. I’m about continuous improvement. I always want to always show up as my best self,” she said in a video call from her office in Atlanta. (She said she also felt good about working on a project from Obama’s Higher Ground production company: “It made me feel safe that I wouldn’t be portrayed as some negative Black person.”)
Mastin’s story is a powerful one: She became a widow at age 27 when her husband — whom she’d married right out of high school — died as the result of a workplace accident. “That was one of the most difficult things I’ve ever been through,” she said. “I only had a high school education at that time. We had the plan that once our youngest turned 5, I would start my academic process. But he died when our youngest was only 2.”
Eventually, Mastin went to college, as she’d always dreamed, and even earned a PhD. Though she married a second time, it ended in divorce, and romance took a backseat for a long time. “When I was ready to date again, it was difficult to get back out there. The difficulty is finding a like-minded being that I can make a life with,” she said.
Mastin said dating over age 50 is tricky because everyone has had difficult experiences, and “some people have not healed. There are traumas there.” She finds that with men over age 50, she often has to deal with what she calls “residue” that built up in previous relationships. “Some women have allowed them to get away with bad behavior, and I don’t believe I’m supposed to put up with that,” she said. (Mastin encounters some serious “residue” on her first date, but her prospects improve as the season goes along.)
Mastin was impressed by Ury’s ability to figure her out almost instantly. “We had a 30-minute conversation, and then she told me exactly who I am,” Mastin said.
Ury deduced that Mastin had had some experiences in her past that had caused her to put up walls. She also sensed that Mastin was wary of intimidating men with her accomplishments.
So one of her assignments was to tell her dates straight away that she had a doctorate. “She said, ‘If they can’t handle it, don’t waste your time,’” Mastin recalled. “She’s right. Show up as who you are. And if people can’t deal with it, that’s on them.”
Mastin’s daughter, Dwayna Haley, frequently appears with her on camera, playing the role of sidekick and confidant. Their dynamic — supportive but also full of jokey banter — will likely resonate with viewers. “I became a wife and a mother so young, she’s been there for my major milestones. She’s my person,” said Mastin, who also has three grandchildren.
For Suzanne Doty, “The Later Daters” also offered an enticing alternative to dating apps, which are “a total disaster,” she said. The 64-year-widow and optometrist applied for the show after her sister-in-law told her about it. “When you get yourself in the dating world at our age, you either have the angry divorced folks, or you have the widows who are grieving,” she said. “We all bring separate sets of problems to the table.”
Doty lost her husband, Chris, to lung cancer in 2018, after 27 years of marriage. “I would not be single today if my husband were alive. He was my rock in every way,” she said over Zoom from her home in Georgia.
After his death, she threw herself into her career and caring for her three kids. “I worked nonstop, cleaned every closet in the house I could, did all the landscaping I could do and just mourned,” she said. “I really didn’t take enough time for me, I think.”
Loss has made her more guarded when it comes to dating. “I had to get myself through that grieving process. People would always tell me, ‘The memories become sweeter,’ and they do,” Doty said. “But for 3½ years, I couldn’t say his name without crying because I missed him so.”
Doty spoke with Ury about her grief and also shared her interest in books and podcasts. Her first-date assignment from Ury was to take control of the conversation, bypass the getting-to-know-you chat and veer toward more worldly topics. “You want to figure out intellectually if you connect with someone, not just superficially,” said Doty, whose daughter, Allison Doty, appears on the show and checks in on her after each date, in a touching role reversal.
Ury also challenged Doty to think hard about what really constitutes a deal-breaker. She is a huge fan of the University of Georgia football team and needs a partner who will also root for her beloved Bulldogs (or at least pretend to.) “I bleed red and black,” she said. This becomes a problem when she goes on a date with — gasp — a handsome Alabama fan.
She was happy to discover that other things were more negotiable than her partner’s favorite football team. “Looks are not as important to me as I thought they were,” she said. She’s also more into intellectual guys and reserved types than she would have guessed. “It’s been a fun project,” she said.
Doty is excited to watch the series with her family and is planning a big viewing party over Thanksgiving weekend. The festivities will be slightly delayed, however. When the show premieres Friday, she’ll be at a Georgia football game.
“I’ll be a day late,” she said.
Spoken like a woman who knows what she wants in life and isn’t about to compromise.
